Baby carrots

I am not afraid to admit that I am prone to bouts of dumb blondness. I recently learned, during a rant on baby carrots, that baby carrots are not cultivated as mini carrots! I already hated them, but when I learned that their existence is purposely manufactured, I doubled down on my dislike. I mean, if it was a naturally occurring annoying thing, like baby corn, it would get a half pass, but now that I know that these terrible little creatures, enjoyed by children and other loser types, is the product of a whole lotta waste and whittling and quintessential american grossness, I really have it out for the ‘baby’ carrot. It’s the carrot of high capitalism and american greed and excess and should be  called the Lazy Cunt Carrot, because when the rest of the world has trouble with getting enough food, over here, we have nothing better to do than shave down the size of our carrots, which were probably really unnaturally big due to GMOs and Monsanto in the first place, for what reason? What is the problem with normal sized carrots? (Side note: What the fuck is up with those gigantic steroidinal carrots they sell in all Chinatowns? Where do they come from and why are the Asians the only ones with access to these carrots?) Dealing with carrots is really not that hard.  I’ve timed it because I make carrot sticks for my kid and it takes less than one minute to peel a carrot and cut it into manageable sticks by using a knife, so the wasted labor of industrially producing baby carrots just seems so fucking bizarre to me. Like, can’t we put that energy to use some other way that actually helps society? We could probably have high speed trains in this country if we weren’t busy making carrots smaller with machines after we grew them bigger! I’ll bet you anything Japan does not have baby carrots on its grocery store shelves, because at some point, as a society with a functioning nervous system, they were like, our energies are better spend linking our whole country with reliable high speed rail than whittling down the size of normal carrots so lazy cunty assholes can get them to their faces with less effort. The baby carrot is the perfect example of all the rotten shit about  America with our misplaced priorities, and faux-virtuous bougie eating habits and the hidden labor that goes into them.

have you ever seen something so unappetizing and dumb?
have you ever seen something so unappetizing and dumb?

Carrots in general are pretty overrated. I dislike being offered them as a healthier choice. Undoubtedly they are more healthy than chips, but are these insipid things really an adequate alternative? Is anyone ever genuinely pleased they decided on the limp dried out bag of baby carrots instead of french fries or chips? no. every time someone chooses the carrots, they are saying to themselves, ‘what a fucking drag these motherfucking carrots are,’ and then willing themselves, with great exertion, to eat them all up.

I utterly rescind everything I have just said about shitty carrots in 2 instances: 1. Carrot cake. 2. When they are carrots that came fresh from a garden. farmer’s market carrots are ok, but I’m really talking about a carrot that was just plucked from the garden.  The texture is 100 times more amazing than a grocery carrot, intensely fresh, crispy and cold, like carrot ice, and I don’t even mind if there is still dirt in some of the carrot crevasses.

Other disclaimer: I know they make these baby cut carrots out of smaller carrots that they would ordinarily have to discard because americans are too shitty to eat imperfect carrots, so in fact, the baby cut carrot is actually reducing some waste. But this makes none of my other points less true: we are just fat and lazy shites who throw out 40% of the food made in this country just because we can and it didn’t look perfect.

Taylor Swift

I was recently somewhere when her thin little plaintiff howl came on the radio and I was captive because my kid was playing and I couldn’t turn it off and I was reminded of how much I just cannot fucking stand her. She’s a horrible singer, a horrible awkward out of her depth dancer, a super annoying dresser, a trite, tired, cliched songwriter, if you can even call it that because it’s technically dear diary drivel from a 13 year old. I hate her media antics, her stupid boyfriend choices who are all derivative white British clones of one another. I hate that people like her and think that she’s a genius artist.  Once, while discussing good music with my in laws in Iran, they argued to me that she was an amazing artist and poet. I was like, seriously? You’ve got Rumi and Hafez and ACTUAL amazing poetry but Taylor Swift, the human equivalent of blancmange, is doing it for you? When she was up on stage singing next to Stevie Nicks and breathing the same air as her at one of the grammys it was it was like watching talent and mastery if talent and mastery had been buried under a rotting tree trunk where mushrooms and moss and maggots grow for 25 years and had gotten really soggy and riddled with little wormholes and mold and then put up on stage next to an actual real performer. I hate her stupid ever changing boob size and ashy blond phase, the mismatched fullness between her upper and lower lips, her attempts to be sexy, and her current iteration, which is Linda Ronstadt with none of the skills crossed with Ron Perlman as the Beast from the Beauty and the Beast TV show from 1987. linda-ronstadt+beast 2=


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